I would weigh much less on any other planet or moon, but I’m held by Earth’s gravity to count calories for eternity. Luckily, not eternity, for my time on earth. Counting calories in the afterlife would mean there is no Heaven, and that would be a real kick in the bloomers after all those years of Weight Watcher math at every meal.
If only Stephen Hawking could have discovered a way to eliminate gravity’s pull, I’d be able to wear yoga pants. Think about it. No gravitational pull puts pound counting in the past. There’d be no doctor’s office scale threatening a moment of truth. We wouldn’t run home and compare our bathroom scale to the doctor’s wondering why there is always a three-pound difference. Imagine no scale. Imagine no calories. Imagine befriending Butterfinger bars and bouncing into slim suits and skinny jeans…no, wait…I’m no scientist, but I assume the mass would still be present regardless of the gravitational pull. Okay, so the clothes still won’t fit, and no yoga pants, but at least there wouldn’t be a nasty number on a scale dial throwing shade and shame. Come to think of it, the reality of no scale would be a reward. No, more than a reward, a big, fat blessing.
So many times, I’ve wished upon a star for the fortitude to diet. Not one has answered. They twinkle and taunt me like they just don’t care. Maybe they don’t care about an earthling’s ten pounds because “…a teaspoon of a neutron star’s material would weigh about ten million tons.” I Googled that. Um, tons vs. pounds? Stars have a bigger weight problem than I do, so okay then. But it’s their own fault–Milky Ways and big dippers, little dippers. You know how many calories are in dip? Any dip, even when you make it with yogurt? Don’t even get me started on Milky Ways or any kind of chocolate. Wow, but it would be kind of cool to live inside a Milky Way. Think about that, fellow dieters. No wonder they say stars are in the Heavens. I would be, too, if I lived snuggled in a Milky Way 24/7/millions of years. I can’t even.
But I’m not giving up yet. I have faith in those stars. Maybe the star’s energy could help grant a simple wish. I’m counting on them to have some influence up there. They are kind of magical, and they’re closer to Heaven than I am.
I know Andromeda, Cassiopeia, Scorpius, and all their sibling stars are busy and old and have galaxies to light and sailors and wise men to guide. And it’s probably not easy staying in position forming bulls and crabs and rams and archers and hunters and lions and legal scales and all the other artwork they have to shape up there for eternity. And they work nights. Not saying they got it easy. Their lives are more complex than a Keto Meal Plan. I think. Maybe. I mean, diets these days are quite complex. Every one of them has a science and calculations and chemical reactions, and all kinds of metabolic, systematic, genetic, whatnots. Like stars, the makeup of a diet is scientific. Actually, know what I found out? That E=MC2 really stands for Entenmann’s equals mass calories squared. Dieting is a science, and all along, here I was thinking dieting was a penance.
I’m adding Neil deGrasse Tyson to my prayer wheel. Come through for me, Neil. Help the pound-haulers. Figure out how to eliminate gravity’s pull. Gravity, sounds so serious. Do we really need to focus on the negative? My hope hangs on you. Work with me Neil. Work with me universe.
Twinkle, twinkle little star.
Guide me to the salad bar,
away from lush Venetian hours
and anything that’s made from flour.
Twinkle, twinkle little star.
Take weight gain from my repertoire.
Up there twinkling ever brighter,
help me wake up ten pounds lighter.
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Maureen Mancini Amatur, a New York based fashion and beauty writer and columnist, teaches Creative Writing, produces literary events, and leads the Sound Shore Writers Group, which she founded in 2007. Her publications include: personal essays, creative non-fiction, short stories, and humor pieces featured in many journals, anthologies, and magazines including Ovunque Siamo, Abstract Magazine, Pink Panther Magazine, Bluntly Magazine, and Flash Non-Fiction Food Anthology published by Woodhall Press. She’s also had many articles and celebrity interviews in newspapers and on line. She was diagnosed with an overdeveloped imagination by a handwriting analyst. She’s working to live up to that.
Photo: Charles
