first came insomnia
before incubi met me
on the other side.
reality was most unreal
nightmare of all.
screeching in my womb
–intuitive, relentless–
told me you are toxin,
& i endured with pretext:
i’m the crazy one/
i must change.

then came in questions:
what are we doing?
where are we going?
where do i stand?
i always hoped
to make a deal with god
& swap our places.
to see & be as one.
i let in without resistance
what came after,
after all:

de-tach-ment.

it came disillusioned
& there was devastation.
physically we separated,
phantom limbs remained & wailed.
the distance & un-closure
ripped our strings more tearingly,
but without haste.
i cried for deliverance
every dreadful night.
& even if i could have spited you,
i prayed for you in spite of me.
for harmony & love for us–
not together.

from dusk came daybreak
seen through windowed cracks.
epiphany birthed in me,
i stood & shredded
leftovers of pain-body
& boxed our mementos
to flow in seven currents
of hochelaga.
with last tears & silent prayer
to pay you my respects,
i let you go,

i un-attached.

(i kept a thought with me
if ever i unlearned:
freedom always comes.
it comes in gradations,
with relapses,
only then progression.
we build self-immunity
to heartbreaks.
even without closure,
we can make our hearts
again unbroken.)

# # #

Nadia Gerassimenko is an Assistant Editor at Luna Luna Magazine by day, a moonchild and poet by night. Nadia self-published her first poetry collection “Moonchild Dreams” (2015) and hopes to republish it traditionally. She’s currently working on her second chapbook, “a chair, a monologue.” Visit her at tepidautumn.net or tweet her at @tepidautumn.

Photo credit: Larry D. Thacker http://www.larrydthacker.com