Tom squinted, shielding his eyes from the bright summer sun. The wind whipped through his hair, so hard he could feel it warm on his scalp. He ran, using every muscle in his body to trudge through the hot sand, his feet growing dustier with each step.
“C’mon!” He yelled to her, his laughter making it hard to speak. “Try and catch me!” Stretching his arm up to the sky, he let the wind pick the kite up as far as it could go. The kite, an embarrassing mish-mash of neon colors, danced in the wind.
The salty ocean air felt cool and a bit sticky as he breathed in deep to smell it. He looked back at her every few steps, even though he knew she was right there behind him. She laughed when she finally caught up to him.
“I got you, Tom!” She plowed into him, breathless, and wrapped her arms around him as she pushed him into the sand.
Brushing his fingers against her flushed cheeks, he smiled as he looked up at her. “I love you, Danielle.”
“Tom!” she shouted, with a sudden look of concern.
“That’s my name!” he said with a laugh.
“Tom!” she yelled again, shaking him.
“What?” He felt annoyed.
“Tom!” she shook him again. This time, he woke up. The room was flooded with too-bright lights. Squinting, he tried to shield his eyes, but he couldn’t lift his arm.
“Glad you finally woke up, Tom,” the nurse, Arlene, reached over him, attaching some cords from the dialysis machine to tubes in his arm. “You had me worried there for a minute,” she said.
“At least someone is worried,” he wanted to say, but couldn’t. He couldn’t talk, for some reason. He thought the words, and tried to form them, but his mouth wouldn’t move.
A memory of the fresh smell of the ocean was in his nostrils, but as he breathed in it was quickly replaced with the medicinal smell of disinfectant. That dream was so good and so real, he’d almost forgotten: trapped in this hospital, in this room, in this bed; even in his own body. When Arlene lifted the head of his bed so he could sit up, he looked down at himself. His left leg was still gone; at the knee, where they’d amputated it several weeks ago.
“Here,” Arlene said, stuffing a handful of tissues into his left hand.
It was only when he looked up at her that he felt the tears wet his cheeks. “Well at least I can still do that,” he thought as he wiped them away with the tissues. He wadded them up in his hand, then looked at his right hand and tried to do the same motion, but it wouldn’t move. Feeling suddenly tired, he looked around for a clock, wondering what time it was. He didn’t want to, but he closed his eyes, unable to keep them open.
“I’m going to start your dialysis,” Arlene said, flipping the television on. “You like this channel?”
Tom shrugged. He was too tired to care, and it didn’t matter any way. Nothing mattered any more. The humming and beeping of the dialysis machine muffled the sounds coming from the television. It was an annoying blend that made him furrow his brow as he felt himself slipping into sleep again.
Seeing a smile today, or at least a familiar face, would lessen the misery he felt. He wondered where Tiffany was, and if she would be coming to see him any time soon. It’d been a long while since he’d seen her beautiful smile, but his memory of her as a little girl felt as fresh as if it was just yesterday.
He remembered the moment Tiffany was born. He saw her mother, Danielle, cradling her tiny newborn body, wrapped tight in a pink hospital blanket. His mouth turned to a smile as he saw her in his mind, playing back the scene like a movie, with her pink cheeks and big brown eyes. He remembered when she was just five, her long brown curls framing her little face in perfect glossy spirals. “That was a long time ago“, he thought. She’s a woman now, with a husband and kids of her own, but he remembered every detail.
“Daddy!” Tiffany laughed and giggled as he threw her up in the air. She was getting too big for this, but he loved to see that smile. She had the most adorable dimples on her chubby little face, and when she was laughing really hard, she’d get a tiny dimple at the top of her right cheek, right under her eye. He threw her into the air with all his strength, catching her with his hands as she laughed, only to throw her into the air again. He loved her dimpled smile. He wished like hell he could see that smile today.
He woke up again when he felt Arlene taking the tubes out, the machine quiet, having completed its work. He felt a heavy weight on his chest, and it took every ounce of strength he had to take in a short breath that barely filled his lungs, but it was the deepest breath he could take. He wondered why they bothered with dialysis, and what the point was of prolonging this end.
“Do you want roast beef for dinner?” Arlene asked, in a tone that was more of a statement than a question. He didn’t acknowledge her, so she stood there a while and watched him, hands on her hips. He shook his head. “You have to eat today, Tom. You want something else? You want to write it down?” she asked. He nodded. She brought him a pen and some paper, and he scribbled a note the best he could with his left hand.
“No more food” the note said. She looked up at him, but his eyes were closed. She shook her head and left the room, pulling the machine along with her. The wheels rattled as they moved over the threshold, their rolling and squeaking sounds fading down the hallway.
“Are you still there God?” he thought to himself. “No one else can hear me. Maybe not even you. No one comes to see me any more. Did they forget about me? Do they know I’m still in this place?” He felt the tears welling up in his eyes, and a hard lump in his throat. He couldn’t even swallow to make the feeling go away. “Maybe I deserve this. I’ve made a lot of mistakes.”
He thought about all the years he ignored his family; his mom, his dad, his brother and sister; even his own daughter. He had divorced Danielle when Tiffany was only ten. He’d found a new wife, and felt that Tiffany didn’t want or need him any more, so he stayed away. The tears fell then, rolling down the sides of his face as he felt the pain of regret. “I deserve this,” he thought.
“This isn’t the end.” The voice was so clear, he opened his eyes, but his darkened room was empty.
“What is this, then?” he thought to himself. He didn’t hear a voice this time, but he felt the answer … it was the beginning.
He tried to sit up and look around, but not being able to move his right side at all made it impossible. He reached out his left hand, gripping the cold metal of the railing on his hospital bed to pull himself up. He was only partially successful, raising his eyes above his body to see that there was no one in the room, and what he could see of the hallway appeared empty.
Wondering if the voice was real, he put out a request. “I’m ready to go,” he thought. He felt an incredible sorrow at the idea of leaving the world and everyone he’d ever known, forever. His request was met with silence. He tried to sigh, but only a small huff of air managed to escape his nose.
Tom woke up two hours later to familiar voices and laughter. He opened his eyes, and there she was. He tried to sit up, unsure if this moment was real or a dream. He tried to say “Tiffany” but his mouth wouldn’t move, and nothing came out. His eyes filled with tears.
“Hi daddy,” Tiffany leaned over the hospital bed railing and gave him a hard hug, so hard it hurt his bones. Still, it felt good. “About time you woke up, sleepy head,” she said with a laugh. She smiled, but her eyes looked sad. He stared at her as she smiled, that smile he loved so much. He would miss it. “The nurses let me bring Caleb in,” she said, gesturing over to her husband, who was holding a baby.
“Hey Tom, how you doin’?” Steve, Tiffany’s husband, patted his arm, but he was on Tom’s right side so Tom couldn’t feel a thing. He nodded at the young man, as if everything was great and he would be getting out any day now. He stared at his grandson, this new little life just starting out as he was leaving it. He wondered what he would look like, and if he would love art and cracking jokes like his grandpa.
Tiffany put Caleb in Tom’s lap, holding the baby’s head for him. She chatted away, laughing, and sometimes wiping a tear. Tom was too deep in his own thoughts to even hear a word she was saying, but he loved the sound of her voice. Before he knew it, Steve picked up the baby, gave him a quick hug, and left him alone in the room with Tiffany.
“Well it was great seeing you again daddy,” she said, holding his hand tight. He had so much he wanted to tell her, but his voice had been silenced, and all he could do was squeeze her hand in return. “I’ve been missing you so much. I can’t wait to get you out of here so you can come home with us.”
His heart hurt as the words came out of her mouth, but he just nodded.
“Well I’ve gotta get home and put Caleb to bed. I love you daddy, I’ll be back again real soon to see you again.” She squeezed his hand once more, staring at him for a moment before touching his cheek and giving him a kiss on the forehead.
As she turned to leave, he held tight to her hand. She turned around, her face wet with tears, but she couldn’t help but smile every time she looked at him. “What is it, daddy?”
That was all he needed. Just one last look at that smile. He shook his head and shrugged.
“I love you,” she said. He nodded. I love you too. He watched her walk out of the room into the hallway. She gave one last look and a wave before she disappeared behind the wall.
Tom closed his eyes, his lips curling to a smile. His chest felt so heavy, and he couldn’t take a breath, but all he felt was joy, and a deep calm. The peace washed over him, warm as a summer breeze.
# # #
Emily Fox https://medium.com/@emilyfox
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